What to write in a sympathy card or message

A simple formula

1. Say you're sorry, plainly.
2. Name the person who died. Families notice, and it matters.
3. Add one specific memory or quality, if you have one.
4. Offer something concrete, or simply say you're thinking of them.

Two to four sentences is plenty. A specific memory is the part people keep.

For a card

I'm so sorry about your mum. I'll always remember how Margaret greeted everyone at the door like they were the guest she'd been waiting for. Thinking of you all.

We were so sad to hear about Tom. He was the first to help when we moved in, and we'll miss seeing him in the garden. We'd love to bring dinner one night next week.

Our deepest sympathy to you and your family. Peggy's kindness touched so many people, and we feel lucky to have known her.

For a text or message

Keep it short, and make it clear no reply is needed. That takes a weight off.

Just heard about your dad. I'm so sorry. No need to reply, I'm thinking of you.

I'm so sorry about Sam. I'm dropping groceries at your door on Thursday unless you tell me not to. Don't reply to this.

“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it hands them a job. Offer a specific thing on a specific day instead: a meal, school pick-up, mowing, walking the dog. If the family has a meal roster, book a night.

For a colleague

I was very sorry to hear about your father. Please take whatever time you need, and don't worry about anything here. We're thinking of you.

For a group card, write your own line rather than only signing your name. Managers can mention that compassionate leave is an entitlement, so the person doesn't have to ask. Fair Work Ombudsman

If you didn't know the person

Write to the person you do know.

I didn't have the chance to meet your grandmother, but I know how much she meant to you from the way you talk about her. I'm so sorry.

What to avoid

• “Everything happens for a reason” or “They're in a better place”, unless you know the family shares that belief.
• “I know how you feel.” Even if you've had a similar loss, theirs is their own.
• “At least…” Any sentence that starts this way shrinks the loss.
• Asking how they died. If they want to tell you, they will.
• Making it about you. One line about your own grief is fine. A paragraph isn't.

Some cultures and faiths have their own customs for condolences, such as condolence money at Korean funerals. See our guide to Korean funeral customs in Australia.

After the funeral

Most messages arrive in the first fortnight, then stop. A message a month or two later, or on a birthday or anniversary, often means the most.

Thinking of you today, on what would have been Peggy's 86th birthday.