Customs differ between families, regions and religions. Many Korean-Australian families are Christian, others Buddhist or not religious, and each adapts these traditions differently. When in doubt, follow the family's lead.
The three-day funeral (삼일장)
In Korea most funerals follow a three-day pattern, usually held at a hospital or funeral hall:
| Day | What happens |
|---|---|
| Day 1 | The memorial room (빈소) is set up with a portrait, flowers and incense. The family put on mourning clothes and start receiving visitors. |
| Day 2 | The body is washed, dressed and placed in the coffin (입관), usually with close family present. Visitors keep coming through the day and evening. |
| Day 3 | The coffin leaves for burial or cremation (발인), often early in the morning. |
How it works in Australia
Australian funeral homes rarely run a memorial room around the clock, so most families here adapt the three days. A common shape is a viewing or visitation in the evening, then a service the next day at a church or the funeral home chapel, followed by the burial or cremation and a meal. Christian families usually hold a funeral service (장례예배) led by their church, and the congregation often does a great deal of the organising and cooking.
Because relatives in Korea may not be able to travel at short notice, many services are livestreamed. Korea is one hour behind Sydney and Melbourne for most of the year, and two hours behind during daylight saving.
Paying respects (조문)
If you visit a memorial room or a viewing, the usual order is:
- Sign the guest book, and give condolence money at the reception table if you're bringing it.
- Approach the portrait. Light a stick of incense or lay a white chrysanthemum if they are offered.
- Bow. The traditional form is two deep bows to the portrait; Christian guests often stand for a moment of silent prayer instead. Either is respectful.
- Turn to the chief mourners (상주) and bow once, or bow your head, and offer a few quiet words.
- The family may invite you to eat. It's polite to accept, and fine to leave after a short while.
Non-Korean guests are not expected to know every step. A respectful bow of the head, a few kind words, and following what others do is always enough.
Condolence money (조의금)
Guests commonly give money to help the family with funeral costs. Put cash in a plain white envelope. The front is often written with 賻儀 (부의) or 謹弔 (근조), and your name goes on the back, so the family can thank you later. There is no fixed amount: give what reflects how close you are. Odd-numbered amounts have traditionally been preferred, and new notes are best avoided, as they can suggest the gift was planned for. If you can't attend, it's common to send money through a friend or by bank transfer to a family member.
What to wear
Guests wear black or very dark clothes: a dark suit with a white shirt and black tie, or a simple black dress. Keep jewellery and make-up minimal. The immediate family often wear black with a mourning armband or ribbon (상장) to show their place, and in some families traditional mourning clothes.
What to say
Say little. Grief is not the time for long conversation, and silence with a bow is perfectly polite.
| Korean | Meaning |
|---|---|
| 삼가 고인의 명복을 빕니다 | I pray for the peaceful rest of the deceased. The traditional written and spoken condolence. |
| 얼마나 상심이 크십니까 | How great your sorrow must be. Said to the family. |
| 무슨 말씀을 드려야 할지 모르겠습니다 | I don't know what to say. Honest, and very commonly used. |
Some Christian families prefer words of comfort, such as "may God's comfort be with you", to the traditional phrase. In English, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is always right.
The memorials that follow
- The third-day visit (삼우제): the family visits the grave or resting place on the third day after the funeral.
- The 49th day (49재): from Buddhist tradition, marking the end of the soul's journey. Many families observe it whatever their religion.
- Anniversaries: each year on the anniversary of the death, families hold ancestral rites (제사) or, in Christian families, a memorial service (추도예배).
For families organising one in Australia
- Send one message in both languages. Older relatives and the church community may read Korean first; colleagues and neighbours need English. KakaoTalk reaches family in Korea; SMS and WhatsApp reach everyone else.
- Put every time in one place: the viewing, the service, the burial or cremation, the meal, and the third-day and 49th-day dates, with the livestream link for relatives overseas.
- Decide how you'll receive condolence money, including from people who can't come, and who will keep the record for thank-yous.
- Let your church or community help. Give them the details once and let them share it.
A free family page with the Korean tradition setting does the first two for you. For the first message itself, the guide to telling people has wording you can copy.
One page for local guests and family in Korea
The Korean tradition setting adds the three-day funeral, the third-day visit and the 49th-day rite to the page. Relatives overseas get the livestream and every time in one link.
Make a free page