Guides · Updated 12 October 2026

By , founder of Fondly · Checked against official sources · How we write our guides

What to say to someone who is grieving

There's no perfect sentence. What helps most is saying something, keeping it simple, and then doing one practical thing. Here are words that work, a few to avoid, and offers that actually help.

Simple things to say

  • “I'm so sorry.”
  • “I've been thinking about you.”
  • “I don't know what to say, but I'm here.”
  • “I loved the way she…”, followed by a small, real memory.
  • “You don't need to reply.”

Use the person's name. Many grieving people say the worst part is everyone avoiding it.

What to text

A text is fine, especially in the first days when phone calls are exhausting. Keep it short and don't ask questions that need answers:

Kate, I'm so sorry about your mum. Peggy was the first person to welcome us to the street and I'll never forget her lemon slice. Thinking of you all. No need to reply.

For a card, our guide on what to write in a sympathy card has more wording.

What to avoid

  • Explaining the loss: “Everything happens for a reason” or “She's in a better place”, unless you know the family believes that.
  • Comparing: “I know exactly how you feel, when my dog died…” Your own story can wait.
  • Silver linings: “At least he's not suffering” or “At least you had so long together.” They may think it themselves, but it lands badly from someone else.
  • “Let me know if you need anything.” It's kind, but it hands them a job. Offer something specific instead.
  • Asking how it happened, unless they bring it up.

Offers that help

Specific offers are easy to say yes to:

  • “I'm dropping dinner on Thursday. Is 5 pm OK?” A shared meal roster stops five lasagnes arriving on the same night.
  • “I can pick the kids up from school this week.”
  • “I'll mow the lawn on Saturday.”
  • “Want me to collect relatives from the airport for the funeral?”
  • “I can make the calls to the people on this list.”

Go to the funeral if you can. Families notice who came, and remember it for years.

In the months after

Support tends to disappear after the funeral, just as the reality sets in. Put a reminder in your phone for a month later, and for the birthday and anniversary. A message on those days (“Thinking of you and Peggy today”) means more than people expect.

If someone seems to be really struggling, gently encourage them to talk to their GP, or share Griefline (1300 845 745) or Lifeline (13 11 14).

Help with meals, without the back-and-forth

If the family has a Fondly page, you can book a night on the meal roster and see the drop-off details. If they don't, you can offer to make one for them.

Make a free page