How to write a eulogy

How long it should be

Aim for three to five minutes, roughly 400 to 700 words when read at a calm pace. Ask the funeral director or celebrant how long you have: services are often booked in fixed time slots, and several people may speak. If others are speaking, agree who covers what so the same stories aren't told twice.

Gather the stories

Before writing anything, spend twenty minutes collecting. Ask family and close friends, or put the questions on the family page, and write down the exact words people use:

• What did they always say? A phrase, a joke, a piece of advice.
• What were they like on an ordinary Tuesday, not just on big occasions?
• What did they make, fix, grow, cook or teach?
• Who did they look after, and how?
• What's one small moment you'll remember?

One specific story beats a list of good qualities. “She was generous” is forgettable. “She kept a drawer of birthday cards for people she barely knew” is her.

A simple structure

1. Who you are to them, in one sentence: “I'm Kate, Peggy's eldest.”
2. The shape of their life, briefly: where they grew up, the people and work that mattered. Keep dates and places light; the program has those.
3. Two or three stories that show what they were like. This is the heart of it.
4. What they leave behind: the people, habits and sayings that carry on.
5. A goodbye, said to them or about them. Short is fine.

Humour is welcome if it's theirs. A room laughing at a story about the person is one of the kindest things a funeral can hold.

An example opening

Most of you knew Dad as the man who couldn't walk past a broken gate without fixing it. Half the gates in our street have his hinges on them. He fixed things the way he looked after people: quietly, properly, and usually before you'd noticed anything was wrong.

It opens with a picture, not a summary, and the picture says something true about how he treated people.

Reading it on the day

• Print it in large type, 16 point or bigger, double spaced, with page numbers. A phone screen can lock or dim halfway through.
• Read it out loud twice beforehand, once to someone else. You'll find the sentences that are too long to say.
• Mark where to breathe. If a line is hard, pause, look at the page, and carry on. Everyone in the room is on your side.
• Have a backup reader. Give a copy to the celebrant or a friend who can step in, or finish it for you, if you need them to. That's common and nobody minds.
• Bring water and a tissue to the lectern.

Afterwards

People often ask for a copy. Posting it on the family page means relatives who couldn't travel can read it, and it's kept with the stories others have shared. If the service is livestreamed, see our guide to livestreaming a funeral.